Distraught heart
by Jessica12
Summary: Grissom/Sara - 3/3 - "Falling from Grace" - Grissom realizes what he's missing out on...
1. Default Chapter

Title: Distraught Heart  
  
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, angst,  
  
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Spoiler: Burden of proof  
  
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where  
  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
  
Summary: What if Sara actually left the team after the events of  
  
"Burden of proof"?  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
  
Note: This is my first ever CSI-fanfiction so please be gentle.:)  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
THANK YOU: To CJ for helping me out here! Tack!  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
"But I fear  
  
I have nothing to give  
  
I have so much to lose  
  
here in this lonely place  
  
tangled up in our embrace  
  
there's nothing I'd like  
  
better than to fall.."  
  
( From "Fear" written by Sarah Mclachlan )  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
Distraught heart (1/3)  
  
By: Jessica  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
I want to reach out my hand and touch her.  
  
I want to say something.  
  
Anything.  
  
But I can't find the right words.  
  
Her eyes are dark as she speaks.  
  
I wish I could see inside her.  
  
I wish I could reach her.  
  
My heart is screaming to my head to move.  
  
To hold her.  
  
To do something.  
  
But my legs won't move.  
  
So I just sit there, watching her.  
  
She wants to leave.  
  
The paper in my hand says "Request for Leave of Absence".  
  
I don't know how to stop her.  
  
I know that I should let her go.  
  
I have no right to stop her.  
  
But I want to say something.  
  
She is standing in the doorway.  
  
Her eyes are pleading to me.  
  
To move.  
  
To do something.  
  
My heart is pounding in my chest like crazy.  
  
Her eyes meet mine and I say:  
  
"The lab needs you here."  
  
Disappointment flashes across her face.  
  
Hurt.  
  
Or was it just my mind playing tricks on me?  
  
Her face turns to stone in a second.  
  
Then she leaves.  
  
I sit there behind my desk, my safe haven as I like to call it,  
  
watching her walk away from me.  
  
And in my head a voice is screaming:  
  
COME BACK! COME BACK!  
  
------------------------------  
  
I never thought words could hurt me so.  
  
But they did.  
  
I don't know why I went to him.  
  
I know better than try to get a reaction from a man that   
  
has no heart.  
  
But I thought I could break through that huge wall he has around  
  
his heart.  
  
I was so sure of myself.  
  
I wanted to reach him.  
  
Break him.  
  
He has always been out of reach for me.  
  
I don't know why I thought anything would change.  
  
He has this way about him that draws me in.  
  
That takes me down.  
  
That breaks me.  
  
His eyes whisper of a lonely soul.  
  
The warmth of his eyes tells the story of a big heart.  
  
But he never lets anyone close.  
  
He pushes you away.  
  
And that hurts.  
  
My hands are shaking as I turn the key to my apartment and enter.  
  
The silence hits me in the chest as I enter my home.  
  
I used to like the silence.  
  
I used to prefer my own company.  
  
These days I hate it.  
  
I want something more than this life.  
  
I want someone I can't have.  
  
Maybe it's time to stop fighting.  
  
Maybe it's time to see that I will never win.  
  
He will never be mine.  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
The dark fell over Las Vegas and I tried to find peace in the  
  
sweet release of sleep.  
  
But her face kept chasing me around.  
  
I rose from the bed.  
  
I walked up the window as the moon made its way across the sky.  
  
I sat down in my favorite armchair and tried to stop the  
  
world from spinning.  
  
My soul feels so weary tonight.  
  
The paper with her request for leave of absence lies on my desk.  
  
I haven't been able to sign it.  
  
I know I should.  
  
I have no right to stop her.  
  
She has every right to leave.  
  
She deserves to do what she wants.  
  
I know that it's not forever.  
  
She might come back one day.  
  
Or not.  
  
But still, I find myself clinging to her.  
  
I fear letting go.  
  
I don't know how to let her go.  
  
For once in my life I haven't got the answers.  
  
I thought I was strong.  
  
I thought I had it all figured out.  
  
I was content with my life.  
  
Then something happened.  
  
She happened.  
  
She is beautiful.  
  
I thought I knew beauty before her.  
  
I was wrong.  
  
She has this light inside her that she hides away from the world.  
  
But I have seen it.  
  
Sometimes it knocks me off my feet.  
  
It can be just a smile that brings me to my knees  
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
He came to me in my sleep and brought my soul the peace it needed.  
  
I wake with his name on my lips.  
  
It is still dark outside.  
  
The clock on my nightstand shows a little after three in   
  
the morning.  
  
I rise from my bed.  
  
I wrap a blanket around my body.  
  
My legs feel so weak as I walk into the kitchen to get   
  
something to drink.  
  
I know that I should be sleeping.  
  
But I can't.  
  
I won't.  
  
He is everywhere.  
  
Chasing me around.  
  
Haunting me.  
  
I want to hate him.  
  
I need to hate him.  
  
But I can't.  
  
I guess I'm weak.  
  
I can't even hate him.  
  
A knock on the door wakes me from my thoughts.  
  
He is standing outside my door.  
  
Grissom.  
  
His eyes are dark as he speaks:  
  
"Sara.."  
  
My heart trembles in my chest as our eyes meet.  
  
I curse my foolish heart.  
  
"What are you doing here? It's three in the morning!"  
  
"I couldn't sleep...May I come in?"  
  
I want to push him away.  
  
Make him leave.  
  
But I can't.  
  
I surrender.  
  
"Sure.."  
  
He brushes past me and walks into my living room.  
  
My hands tremble as I close the door behind him.  
  
I need to be strong now.  
  
------------------------------------------  
  
Her apartment is nothing like I imagined it would be.  
  
It is small but nice and comfortable.  
  
I don't know why I came.  
  
Both of us know that I could have talked to her tomorrow.  
  
But I just needed to see her.  
  
To explain.  
  
To try to reason with her.  
  
To stop her.  
  
She is standing in the doorway dressed in a nightgown.  
  
She has a blanket wrapped around her lovely body.  
  
God, she is beautiful.  
  
Especially now in the early light of day.  
  
Our eyes meet.  
  
I shiver.  
  
I have never felt this weak.  
  
This lost.  
  
This scared.  
  
"I came here to give you this."  
  
I walk up to her and give her the paper.  
  
"Request for Leave of Absence".  
  
She takes it.  
  
"I signed it," I add.  
  
Our eyes meet.  
  
Her voice is rugged as she speaks:  
  
"So you came here just to give me this?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
Then I see them.  
  
They are standing by the door.  
  
I didn't notice them when I came in.  
  
I guess I was distracted.  
  
Suitcases.  
  
Two of them.  
  
"So you are leaving?"  
  
"Yes, the day after tomorrow."  
  
"Okay...Where are you going?"  
  
"San Fransico..Then..I don't know.."  
  
"You don't have to leave, you know.."  
  
"I know.."  
  
"Then...why?"  
  
She looks at me.  
  
I can see sorrow in her eyes as she looks at me.  
  
My heart shiver in my chest.  
  
"Don't.."  
  
"Sara..We need you in the team. The lab.."  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
How could he be so cruel?  
  
How could he come here and make me hope, make me believe again?  
  
"Stop! I don't want to hear it!"  
  
I walk towards him.  
  
Anger in my eyes.  
  
Fire.  
  
He backs away from me.  
  
"Sara..We need you here."  
  
"I have heard it all before! What do you want, Gris?"  
  
"I want you on the team."  
  
His words hit me in the chest and make me stumble.  
  
Pain.  
  
"The team, huh..That's all I am for you..A part of the team.."  
  
"No, of course not. Friends.."  
  
I wish that I could be content with that word.  
  
Friends.  
  
But I have tried.  
  
I have tried to define our relationship as just friends.  
  
But I have failed.  
  
"I can't.."  
  
I turn away from him and walk up to the window.  
  
The moon shines in through the window and lights up the room.  
  
"Sara..please..You don't have to leave..You can take a couple of  
  
days..But.."  
  
I wish I could do that.  
  
I wish I could brush this feeling aside and just ignore it.  
  
I have done it before.  
  
But I can't this time.  
  
"No..I can't. Not this time.."  
  
"Sara, tell me what to do."  
  
I turn to him.  
  
He is standing just an armlength away.  
  
I want to fall into him.  
  
I want to crumble and let him catch me.  
  
But I need to be strong.  
  
I will not give in.  
  
Not this time.  
  
"There is nothing you can do."  
  
"Don't say that. There has to be some way we can resolve this!"  
  
"You can't fix this, Gris."  
  
"Sara. Tell me what's wrong. Please, I need to know.."  
  
"I have tried..God, knows I have tried...But you.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Don't you know? Can't you see it?"  
  
"See what?"  
  
"I can't work with you, Grissom."  
  
"Don't be silly, of course you can."  
  
"No...Not anymore..I thought I could..But.."  
  
"We can fix this..Just tell me what's the problem."  
  
"Don't you understand?"  
  
"Understand what?"  
  
Pain eats at my heart and whispers to it to fall apart.  
  
Our eyes meet.  
  
"I gave you my heart and you never even saw it..."  
  
His face changes in a second and he takes a step back like I had  
  
hit him.  
  
Silence follows.  
  
I understand.  
  
"Oh...Sara.."  
  
He reaches for me but I avoid his hand.  
  
"No, Gil..."  
  
Our eyes meet.  
  
I continue:  
  
"I did everything for you. I would have laid down my life for   
  
you...  
  
But you never even noticed..I was just someone...No one.."  
  
"Sara..please..I"  
  
"Don't worry..I'm fine now...I'm doing better..."  
  
I want to run as far away as possible from this man.  
  
This man that had so much power over me.  
  
Who had the power to break me.  
  
"I...want to..I need to.."  
  
"No..I don't care what you want anymore.."  
  
He moves toward me.  
  
I can see something in his eyes that I fear naming.  
  
Something that wasn't there before.  
  
"Please, Sara..Let me explain."  
  
"There is nothing to explain...I'm leaving, that is that."  
  
"Don't do this."  
  
"What do you want me to do?"  
  
"Let me explain.."  
  
With a sigh, I surrender.  
  
I look at him.  
  
He is standing so close now.  
  
My heart is pounding like crazy in my chest.  
  
"So talk.."  
  
"I need you here...Please.."  
  
His words cause me more pain that I ever thought was possible.  
  
"Oh, don't bother..."  
  
I move away from him.  
  
He takes my hand and makes me look at him.  
  
His touch is like lightning on a clear day.  
  
I almost fell.  
  
His hand is warm in mine.  
  
"Sara, don't do this.."  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Don't leave."  
  
"Why should I stay? Give me one good reason to stay."  
  
"We need you."  
  
"OH, don't bother...I don't care what the TEAM needs..What do you  
  
want, Gris? What do you feel?"  
  
He lets go of my hand.  
  
I'm already missing his touch.  
  
"I..Don't.."  
  
He backs away from me.  
  
"Don't what? It's a simple question. What do you feel? Or is that  
  
too personal a question for the mighty Gil Grissom?"  
  
"Don't Sara.."  
  
I wanted to break him.  
  
Hurt him.  
  
I wanted to cause him all the pain he had caused me.  
  
I moved towards him.  
  
Anger filled my veins.  
  
"What? Tell me what it's like to have no heart. What is it like to  
  
feel absolutely nothing?"  
  
His eyes are dark as he looks at me.  
  
I can see pain there.  
  
Sorrow.  
  
"I should leave..."  
  
He moves towards the door.  
  
"That's your answer to everything. Run away."  
  
He stops.  
  
"You are a coward, Gil Grissom. I never would say it..But you are.."  
  
Tears fill my eyes as I look at him.  
  
He is standing with his back towards me.  
  
A part of me wants to run up to him and beg him to stay with me.  
  
A voice in my head screams  
  
LOVE ME! LOVE ME! PLEASE,GOD..LOVE ME!  
  
But someone up there wasn't listening.  
  
"You think it's so easy..I wish it was so easy.."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
He turns towards me.  
  
His blue eyes pierce into me.  
  
"I wish I could tell you..."  
  
"Please, Gris...All I want is...You..."  
  
I want to run into his arms.  
  
I want him to save me from the pain that is causing my heart  
  
to shatter into millions of tiny pieces.  
  
I move toward him.  
  
He doesn't run this time.  
  
He just stands there.  
  
His eyes meet mine.  
  
I take his hand in mine.  
  
He doesn't move away.  
  
Doesn't object.  
  
I don't care what is right and proper.  
  
My hand trembles as I lift my hand to his face and stroke  
  
his cheek.  
  
My voice is just a whisper as I speak:  
  
"Please...Let me love you...Love me.."  
  
I want to brand every line of his face in my memory.  
  
I want my hands to remember him.  
  
This wonderful man.  
  
It was a childish plead.  
  
His eyes fill with tears as he looks at me.  
  
"Sara, I can't....."  
  
Those words were the death of me.  
  
I have never known pain like that.  
  
"Gris...please..I can't..I need.."  
  
"I'm so sorry.."  
  
In that moment my heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces.  
  
My soul was ripped apart.  
  
I let go of him.  
  
Tears fall as I move away from him.  
  
I don't care if he sees me cry.  
  
"Sara, please..You have to stay.."  
  
I look at him.  
  
How can he be so cruel?  
  
Why does he cause me so much pain?  
  
"How can you ask me that?"  
  
"We need you."  
  
I move fast.  
  
Anger.  
  
Rage.  
  
I want to break him.  
  
Hurt him.  
  
I slam my fist against his chest.  
  
He doesn't stop me.  
  
He lets me be.  
  
"DAMN YOU, GRISSOM! DAMN YOU!"  
  
My legs give way and I fall to the floor.  
  
I crumble.  
  
He reaches for me.  
  
I want to hate him.  
  
God, I need to hate him.  
  
But I have failed once again.  
  
How I have failed.  
  
Our eyes meet.  
  
"Please, leave.."  
  
"Sara..Don't.."  
  
"Gris...Please, leave..I can't..anymore.."  
  
I am so tired of fighting for my heart.  
  
I am bleeding inside now.  
  
He moves toward the door.  
  
I sit there on the floor where he left me.  
  
I don't dare to move.  
  
He opens the door slowly.  
  
He stops and looks back at me.  
  
"Goodbye, Sara..."  
  
Then he is gone.  
  
I listen to his footsteps dying away.  
  
Then I surrender to a world of pain.  
  
-------------------------------------------- 


	2. To remember

itle: Distraught Heart - To remember  
  
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, angst,  
  
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Spoiler: None  
  
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where  
  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
  
Summary: Grissom reveals something from his past that threatens   
  
to push Sara away.  
  
Disclaimer: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
  
Note: This is my first ever CSI-fanfiction so please be gentle.:)  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
THANK YOU: To Tamara...For helping me out here...And I hope this one  
  
of many :)  
  
---------------------------------------------------------  
  
"Where can you run to escape from yourself?  
  
Where you gonna go?  
  
Salvation is here"  
  
(From "Dare you to move" by: Switchfoot.  
  
------------------------------------------------  
  
Distraught Heart (2/3)  
  
"To remember"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
-----------------------------  
  
I sit here in my favorite chair by the window watching as   
  
the sun rises over the city.  
  
Her face is before me.  
  
Chasing me.  
  
I keep feeling her hand in mine.  
  
I have never touched her like that before.  
  
I never dared to.  
  
Her hand felt so small in mine.  
  
Sara.  
  
I gave you my heart and you never even saw it..  
  
Her voice kept ringing in my ears.  
  
Her lovely words.  
  
I wanted to tell her the truth then and there.  
  
I saw the pain in her eyes when I didn't say those lovely words  
  
back to her.  
  
But how can I make her see that I'm not the one for her?  
  
I wish I were.  
  
There are times when even my heart dares to tremble when she is near.  
  
And I dream.  
  
God, I dream.  
  
About a life I can't have.  
  
Of a life beyond reach.  
  
I know better than to dream about something I can't have.  
  
Maybe I should let her go.  
  
It would be better this way.  
  
I'm no good for her.  
  
I only hurt people.  
  
---------------------------------------  
  
My hands tremble a bit as I move towards his door.  
  
I curse them for being so weak.  
  
I don't know why I have come.  
  
I should stay away, I know that.  
  
But I need to see him again.  
  
To say goodbye.  
  
To get a reaction.  
  
To try to reason with him.  
  
I know that I should back away.  
  
This will only be torture for my bleeding heart.  
  
But a part of me hopes that there is still a chance.  
  
For him to love me.  
  
To give me his heart.  
  
I would be so careful with it.  
  
My heart is pounding like crazy as I knock on his door.  
  
Then he appears in the doorway.  
  
His hair is in a mess.  
  
Clothes wrinkled.  
  
His eyes widen.  
  
"Sara."  
  
His voice is a bite rugged as he says my name.  
  
"I came here to say goodbye."  
  
LIAR!  
  
I was afraid that he would push me away if he knew my real intention.  
  
Guess he knew anyway.  
  
He has always been able to read me like an open book.  
  
"Oh.."  
  
"Can I come in?"  
  
"Sure.."  
  
He stepped aside and shows me into his apartment.  
  
Books everywhere.  
  
Pictures of bugs on the walls.  
  
I can't help but smile.  
  
We enter the living room.  
  
"You want something? Coffee?.."  
  
"No, I'm okay.."  
  
He looks at me with those eyes.  
  
I curse those eyes.  
  
They have so much power over me.  
  
"So.. you are leaving then.."  
  
"Yeah.."  
  
"Everything is ready? Otherwise.. I could help you.. If you want   
  
that is."  
  
His words turn the knife in my heart.  
  
I almost tremble.  
  
Why had I come here?  
  
Why couldn't I be strong?  
  
I had vowed to stay away from him.  
  
We had said our goodbyes tonight.  
  
So why did I come here today?  
  
"You want me gone that badly."  
  
"Of course not."  
  
"Then.."  
  
"I was just offering help."  
  
"Don't."  
  
"Sara.. About before.."  
  
"Don't Gris.. I didn't come here to fight."  
  
"Then why did you come here?"  
  
"You know.."  
  
His eyes pierced into me seeing everything that I was.  
  
This wasn't fair.  
  
I wish I could read his mind.  
  
Maybe then I wouldn't hurt like this.  
  
"Sara.."  
  
"You never told me.."  
  
"Told you what?"  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Leave it, Sara.."  
  
"Why? Is it me?"  
  
I move towards him.  
  
I have no pride when it comes to him.  
  
I'm down on my knees.  
  
Pleading for my heart.  
  
"Of course not.. Don't think that...It's me.."  
  
"So this is one of those 'It's not you, it's me' speeches."  
  
"No. I don't know what to say.."  
  
"How about the truth? I deserve the truth."  
  
He avoids my eyes.  
  
I know that look on his face.  
  
He wants to run.  
  
But I won't let him.  
  
Not this time.  
  
Our eyes meet.  
  
"Sara, please..."  
  
"Please, Gil.. Tell me.. I have to know.."  
  
The pain makes it hard to speak.  
  
"I can't.."  
  
"I got to know for sure.."  
  
I reach for him.  
  
Wanting to feel his hand in mine.  
  
He backs away from me.  
  
I can see sorrow in his eyes as he speaks.  
  
"Don't do this, Sara...You don't want me."  
  
"Yes, I do..."  
  
"No, you don't, believe me...I'm no good.."  
  
"How can you say that?"  
  
"It's the truth."  
  
"You are the loveliest person I have ever known. You are so easy to   
  
love.. I.."  
  
"Sara.. Stop.."  
  
"No.. I want to tell you. I have never been in love. I have felt love.  
  
I have been loved. But I have never in my life been in love."  
  
"I can't.."  
  
"I don't know how it happened. But it did. It wasn't like lightning  
  
on a clear day. It just crept up on me."  
  
I move closer to him.  
  
Determent now.  
  
He backs away from me.  
  
His eyes are dark as he speaks.  
  
"I don't know what to say to you to make you see that I'm not the   
  
one for you..."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"I hurt people.."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
I reach for him.  
  
"Don't you see, Sara. I can't love anyone."  
  
"Of course you can."  
  
"No. I can't! I hurt them. I break them.."  
  
"Don't be silly.."  
  
"You asked for the truth. There it is.. I'm no good. Run, Sara! Run!  
  
I will only cause you pain."  
  
"No! I refuse to believe that..."  
  
I move even closer to him.  
  
He doesn't back away this time.  
  
"I'm damaged goods.. I.. can't.."  
  
"Gris.. please.."  
  
His eyes meet mine.  
  
Tears are forming in mine.  
  
"Sara.. I can't.. My heart isn't strong enough."  
  
My voice is just a whisper as I speak:  
  
"Please, let me love you.."  
  
"I can't...."  
  
"Don't say that!!"  
  
"It's the truth!"  
  
"Her name was Anne."  
  
His words makes me stumble.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Her name was Anne and she was my wife."  
  
The pain that struck me in that second was so great that I almost   
  
fell.  
  
"Gris, why haven't you told me?"  
  
"How could I?"  
  
He didn't trust me.  
  
HE DOESN'T TRUST YOU!!!  
  
I move away from him.  
  
Afraid he might see the sorrow in my eyes.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"We met when we both were 18. She worked in my  
  
mother's art gallery in Venice. I was working in the LA County   
  
morgue.. And I fell.. head over heels for her."  
  
He moves towards the window overlooking the street.  
  
I sit down on the couch as he continue:  
  
"Her name was Anne Connor. She had green eyes and dark hair...  
  
God, she was beautiful!"  
  
"What happened to her?"  
  
"We fell in love. We married five years later. I was a corner then.  
  
So proud. We got a house in Marina Del Rey, where I grew up. She   
  
wanted to be a lawyer someday....She worked days and went to night  
  
school during the night. Her family hadn't the money to send her   
  
to collage or something like that. But she refused to give up. She  
  
worked hard. We used to spend our nights in bed.. Studying, talking..  
  
laughing.. Making love... She.. I .."  
  
His voice dies away.  
  
Silence follows.  
  
I watch as memories takes him over.  
  
"She made me laugh.. She was stubborn.. and strong.. She.. was...perfect.  
  
And I...loved her...So...I can't describe how she made me feel.  
  
To say I love her.. It seems so simple.. Those words seem to small."  
  
I know that I have no right to feel this pain.  
  
But I do.  
  
I'm bleeding.  
  
"I was happy then. Those years in California."  
  
"Gris.. You don't.. I understand."  
  
He turns to me.  
  
His blue eyes pierce into me.  
  
"I want to tell you.. I have to tell you."  
  
I surrender.  
  
"Tell me. Tell me about Anne."  
  
"She was lovely. I wish you knew her. Everybody loved her...Then..  
  
that night..."  
  
Silence follows.  
  
He turns away from me.  
  
"I remember the rain.. The way it chilled me right into the bone...  
  
You see...She was late from her work.. and she wanted to hurry to  
  
her night school.. So she ran a red light.. And..:.."  
  
"God.."  
  
"They called me....At first I thought it was some kind of joke.  
  
Some nasty joke.. But I went anyway.."  
  
I rise.  
  
My legs feel weak as I move towards him.  
  
"I drove like a madman, hardly seeing anything. It was amazing that  
  
I didn't crash into something....It had started to rain as I arrived   
  
at the scene..."  
  
My hands craved to touch him.  
  
To take him into my arms and hold him.  
  
But I knew that I wasn't allowed.  
  
I stood there beside him listening as he continued:  
  
"Witness said that it happened so fast.. There where no way they could  
  
have avoided...A huge truck carrying god knows what.. crashed into   
  
her.. By the time the paramedics arrived...They couldn't save her...  
  
No one.."  
  
"Gris.."  
  
"They let me see her afterwards.. Even in death.. She was wonderful.  
  
Beautiful.."  
  
"Oh, Gris.."  
  
"She broke her neck.. She wasn't in pain.. And I'm glad....They told me  
  
later.....that.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She was pregnant.. Sara.."  
  
"God!"  
  
Tears were streaming down his face as he looked at me.  
  
"She never told me....Why didn't she tell me? I could have..."  
  
"Gris.."  
  
He turns away from me once again.  
  
"I stopped believing in God that day."  
  
I reach out and take his hand in mine.  
  
He looks at me.  
  
So much pain in those blue eyes.  
  
"Why did he do this, Sara? Why did he take them away from me? I  
  
was only 25 for god sake! What had I done to make him do that?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"Why couldn't he have taken me instead?"  
  
"Don't say that."  
  
"Why not? It's the truth!"  
  
"Don't, Gris..."  
  
He backs away from me.  
  
"Now you know..."  
  
"Please, Gris.. Let me hold you.."  
  
"Sara.. You have to stay away from me! I'm no good...Look what   
  
happened to her. I will only get you killed!"  
  
"No!"  
  
"I killed her, Sara. Don't you see that?"  
  
"Don't say that."  
  
"It's the truth. I could have gone to my mother and father and asked  
  
them for some money so she wouldn't have to go to night school then..  
  
maybe she.."  
  
"You can't think like that..."  
  
"I have had almost 15 years to think about it!"  
  
"You have to put it behind you."  
  
"Don't you think I have tried? But how.. I.. can't.."  
  
"You have too.. Otherwise this will kill you.."  
  
"It already has."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
He moves fast.   
  
He takes my heart and places it over his heart.  
  
"This is dead. It died with her."  
  
"I refuse to believe that."  
  
"You have too..."  
  
He turns away from me.  
  
"Gris.."  
  
"No, Sara. I can't. I made a promise to her the day I married her  
  
and I intend to keep it."  
  
"What promise?"  
  
"To love her forever."  
  
"That stupid."  
  
He turns to me.  
  
"Is it! Is it! Why is it so stupid? I loved her!"  
  
"She is dead, Gris."  
  
"Don't Sara."  
  
"It's the truth. What are you planning to do? Are going to stay here  
  
in this apartment, forever? It's not living."  
  
"I'm content."  
  
"No you're not."  
  
"I'm content with my life."  
  
"So you will just give up. You will stay here, awaiting death."  
  
"Let death come. I embrace it."  
  
"Don't be so fucking dramatic."  
  
"I'm not being dramatic."  
  
I moved towards him.  
  
Pain eating at the remaining pieces of my heart.  
  
I wanted to break him.  
  
Shake him.  
  
Make him move.  
  
He didn't back away.  
  
"THEN FIGHT,GOD DAMMIT IT!"  
  
"Sara.."  
  
"No, I refuse to just stand by and just watch as.."  
  
"You have too.."  
  
"Gris.. please.."  
  
"I can't.. Sara...I wish.. I could.. But.."  
  
"So you are giving up..."  
  
"I'm not giving anything up.. I just can't have you."  
  
"You just can't say stuff like that and think I might just turn  
  
away and leave because I won't."  
  
"Sara..."  
  
"Don't Sara me..."  
  
I moved closer to him.  
  
He didn't move away.  
  
He didn't run this time.  
  
My hands trembled as I framed his face between my hands  
  
and made him look at me.  
  
"Tell me you don't love me and I will leave and I swear that I will  
  
never bother you again."  
  
I stood there starring into those blue eyes, praying for salvation  
  
for my bleeding heart.  
  
I searched for something in his eyes that could keep hope alive.  
  
But all I found was nothing.  
  
His eyes were dark as he spoke:  
  
"I don't love you."  
  
That twisted the knife in my heart causing my inside to shatter   
  
just like broken glass.  
  
The pain was indescribable.  
  
I searched for something that said it was all a lie.  
  
It had to be a lie.  
  
It must be.  
  
"Gris...please.."  
  
My voice was just a whisper.  
  
I stood there starring into his eyes.  
  
Tears fell as I continued:  
  
"I guess this is goodbye then.."  
  
Then I kissed him.  
  
The minute my lips brushed his I knew that I was lost.  
  
All the passion that ran through my veins came out in that kiss.  
  
I needed to break him.  
  
I had to break him.  
  
I wanted to remember him.  
  
The way he felt against my lips.  
  
The way his hand felt in mine.  
  
I would remember.  
  
I moved away from him.  
  
Let him go.  
  
I looked at him.  
  
"Goodbye, Gil Grissom."  
  
Then I moved towards the door.  
  
I opened it with hands trembling.  
  
I stopped in the doorway and looked back at him.  
  
"I love you."  
  
Then I walked away from him. 


	3. Falling from Grace

Title: Distraught Heart - Falling from grace  
  
Author: Jessica ( j_rothen@yahoo.se )  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, angst,  
  
Feedback: Yes please, j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Spoiler: None  
  
Archive: Wherever, just let me know where  
  
Website: www.geocities.com/jlovesxfiles  
  
Summary: Grissom realizes what he's missing....  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.  
  
Note: This is my first ever CSI-fanfiction so please be gentle.:)  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
THANK YOU: To Tamara for helping me out here  
  
------------------------------  
  
"If you've been hiding from love  
  
If you've been hiding from love  
  
I can understand where you're coming from  
  
I can understand where you're coming from  
  
If you've suffered enough  
  
If you've suffered enough  
  
I can understand what you're thinking of  
  
I can see the pain that you're frightened of  
  
I've been running like you  
  
I've been running like you  
  
Now you understand why I'm running scared  
  
Now you understand why I'm running scared  
  
I've been searching for truth  
  
I've been searching for truth  
  
And I haven't been getting anywhere  
  
No I haven't been getting anywhere..."  
  
( From "Freelove" by Depeche Mode )  
  
--------------------------------  
  
Distraught Heart (3/3)  
  
"Falling from grace"  
  
by: Jessica  
  
----------------------   
  
One month later  
  
-------------  
  
The world kept turning even though she no longer was beside me.  
  
I kept living my life in rooms that missed the sound of her voice.  
  
I threw myself into the work of erasing her from my mind.  
  
It wasn't easy, though.  
  
I kept seeing her everywhere.  
  
Sara.  
  
Her voice kept chasing me around.  
  
I tried to convince my heart that I was better off this way.  
  
That I could make it alone.  
  
That nothing had changed.  
  
I was wrong.  
  
---------------  
  
She came in the morning.  
  
In the early light of day.  
  
Catherine.  
  
I had been working all through the night.  
  
Going over another case.  
  
The office had become my second home after she had left.  
  
I stayed there as long as I could.  
  
I sat there while the night surrounded me and let myself just  
  
remember.  
  
To feel.  
  
She lingered in the doorway.  
  
I looked up and saw her.  
  
"Catherine."  
  
She smiled and entered the office.  
  
She sat down in the chair opposite mine.  
  
"Gil. Have you been here all night?"  
  
"Yeah, I thought I might go over the case again. We might have   
  
missed something."  
  
"You know we didn't."  
  
"It doesn't hurt to check again.."  
  
"Yeah, but you have checked several times now. You have always said  
  
that you make the evidence talk to you.. So what they say?"  
  
"I don't know..."  
  
"Gil.."  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"It's the truth. I have no idea.. Maybe.."  
  
"What's the matter?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
LIAR!  
  
"Don't be like that. I can see that something is wrong."  
  
"It's nothing."  
  
"Gris, come on! It's Catherine you are talking too.."  
  
"Believe me. Nothing is bothering me."  
  
"Sure...It's Sara, huh."  
  
I avoided her eyes as I spoke:  
  
"What makes you say that?"  
  
She smiled:  
  
"You have never been a good liar, Grissom. Never. I have always  
  
been able to see when you are lying. It's something in your eyes."  
  
The walls around my heart came tumbling down as I sat there  
  
listening to her.  
  
How easy they fell.  
  
Guess I was weak.  
  
"It's just that we needed her in the team. She was a good CSI."  
  
"That's it, huh?"  
  
"Yeah..."  
  
"Ha.. Give me a break. I have watched you two walking around in   
  
circles for months before she left. I don't know what exactly   
  
happened between the two of you. But I will bet that it reaches  
  
far beyond the work."  
  
I wanted to run away from her.  
  
I was so good at running.  
  
"Sara Sidle was a great CSI and I hated to see her go."  
  
"So nothing was going on?"  
  
"Between Sara and me?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"No, nothing."  
  
Her eyes pierced into me.  
  
"Then why are you walking around with that look on your face?"  
  
"What look?"  
  
"Like someone stole the sun from the sky."  
  
"I don't know what you are talking about."  
  
"Why won't you tell me? You used to tell me everything."  
  
"Tell you what?"  
  
"What happened? Why did Sara leave, Gil?"  
  
"She wanted to leave."  
  
"Don't give me that!"  
  
"It's the truth! She wanted to leave CSI."  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
"Nothing! Why do you think it was something I did?"  
  
"Please, I know you and I know Sara. I could see it in her eyes. It  
  
was in the way she looked at you."  
  
"What?"  
  
"She was in love with you."  
  
The truth hit me right in the chest and made me tremble.  
  
"No.. You're wrong."  
  
"Gris.."  
  
"No, Catherine.."  
  
"Don't lie to me, Gil. Tell me what happened?"  
  
I rose.  
  
I wanted to run.  
  
But I couldn't.  
  
Not this time.  
  
I couldn't hide.  
  
Not this time.  
  
I wanted to raise the walls around my heart once again and   
  
shut her out.  
  
But I knew that she could see through me.  
  
She has always been able to do that.  
  
That's one power that scares me.  
  
"I..I tried to make her stay..."  
  
"And?"  
  
"And nothing!"  
  
"Don't give me that. Something happened."  
  
"What do you want me to say?"  
  
"Try the truth.."  
  
I surrendered.  
  
I looked at her.  
  
My friend.  
  
How could I tell her about what I had done?  
  
How I had hurt Sara.  
  
Made her cry.  
  
Pushed her away.  
  
Lied to her.  
  
"I. Please..I. Can't.."  
  
She rose.  
  
I turned away from her.  
  
"Gil.. We have been friends for God knows how long.. I can see that  
  
something is bothering you.. You are hurting.."  
  
"Cat, please.."  
  
"You haven't called me that for years."  
  
"I know.."  
  
She reached out her hand and took my hand.  
  
Her hand felt so small in mine.  
  
"Gil.. Tell me about Sara..."  
  
"She came to me with that paper.. She was so angry. You know how she  
  
is. She tried to tell me then.. But I never.. saw it.."  
  
"And?"  
  
"I went to her...I signed it, Catherine. I wanted her to have her  
  
freedom."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"She told me that she wanted me."  
  
"That's great.. Isn't it?"  
  
"It's Sara. I'm her boss."  
  
"So? What did you say?"  
  
"I couldn't.."  
  
"God, Gil. I know you. I have seen the way you look at her. Don't  
  
say that you feel nothing for her because I have seen you."  
  
"I stood there and I wanted.. To feel.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I couldn't say it back to her."  
  
"What do you feel?"  
  
"She accused me to have no heart. I'm beginning to think that maybe  
  
she is right."  
  
"No, Gris..."  
  
"Yeah. Maybe it's impossible to mend.."  
  
"What? I don't understand."  
  
I looked at her now.  
  
"I told her, Catherine. She came to me the morning before she left  
  
and I told her..."  
  
"Told her about what?"  
  
"Anne."  
  
"Jesus, Gil. She didn't know..."  
  
"I never told her...You are the only one that knows.."  
  
"God, Gris. Why do you do this? What's the point with shutting everyone  
  
out? What good can come of it?"  
  
"It's self-preservation."  
  
"Huh.. It will only make you alone."  
  
"I can deal with that."  
  
"No-one can deal with that."  
  
"I can."  
  
"Don't lie."  
  
"You need her."  
  
"No.."  
  
"Look at me, Grissom. Look at me!"  
  
I met her gaze.  
  
"Look me in the eye and tell me that you don't love  
  
her."  
  
"I DON'T LOVE HER."  
  
I broke free from her and turned my back to her.  
  
"I don't believe you."  
  
"I don't care."  
  
"She loves you, Gris. Everyone can see that. And you  
  
love her."  
  
"No."  
  
"Why can't for once admit that?"  
  
"Because.."  
  
"Because what?"  
  
"Because of Anne."  
  
Catherine let go of my hand and looked at me.  
  
"She has been dead for almost 15 years now."  
  
"So?"  
  
"You have to start living..15 years is a long time."  
  
"Is there a time limit for grief?"  
  
"Of course not. But you're not the only   
  
one in this world that has lost someone. But people move on. They pick   
  
themselves up and move on."  
  
"It's not that easy.."  
  
"God knows, it's not easy. But you have to try otherwise it will  
  
kill you."  
  
"Maybe it already has."  
  
"Don't give me that."  
  
"It's the truth.."  
  
"For god's sake! I know you. I have seen that fire in your eyes.  
  
I know you, Gil Grissom. I know you by heart.. You can make it   
  
through this.. You need her as much as she needs you."  
  
"I can't, Catherine."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I'm afraid."  
  
She walked up to me.  
  
The warmth in her eyes made my heart tremble.  
  
"Of what?"  
  
"I don't know how to let her go."  
  
I turned towards.  
  
God, how I wanted to fall.  
  
For once in my life I wanted someone to catch me.  
  
To make me feel alive again.  
  
"You have too."  
  
"I loved her."  
  
"I know you did. But you have to let her go."  
  
"I can't.."  
  
"You can't live like this.. Not anymore.."  
  
"I deserve this. I deserve all the pain."  
  
"Don't, Gil. It wasn't your fault. You know that."  
  
"But.."  
  
She moved closer to me.  
  
I looked at her.  
  
I wanted to take comfort in her.  
  
I wanted to be saved by her.  
  
"You have to join the living again..."  
  
"Tell me how to let go. Tell me how to stop feeling like this."  
  
"I can't. No one can. You have to make it on your own. But  
  
I will stand by you. I promise."  
  
"Thank you. Thank you for being my friend."  
  
She smiled.  
  
"Always, Gris. Always."  
  
---------  
  
I can't say that I ran.  
  
But I fled.  
  
After the funeral her body was cremated and her  
  
ashes where scattered for the wind.   
  
Just as she had wanted.  
  
I fled out into the open plains.  
  
To the desert.  
  
I went to say goodbye to her.  
  
To talk to the wind.  
  
To talk to a God that had no mercy.  
  
I just stood there under the sun and talked to no one.  
  
"I came today to tell you something."  
  
Maybe I was acting crazy.  
  
But I needed this.  
  
I needed to let this out.  
  
Let this out of my chest before I exploded.  
  
"I know that we haven't talked for a while. And I'm sorry.  
  
I was afraid that if I went here it would be admitting that you were  
  
gone. I thought if I clung to all the memories you would never  
  
leave me. I was convinced that I could live like that. I was  
  
content living like that. I wanted to wrap myself in sorrow.   
  
But I know now that I can't do that and I know you wouldn't  
  
let me.."  
  
The sun warmed my face as I fell to my knees.  
  
"God, I miss you...How I miss you. .I know it's time for me to let you go..  
  
I should have done this.. before.. But I couldn't.. But now...Her name is  
  
Sara..."  
  
My heart ached in my chest as I continued.  
  
Talking to no one.  
  
The sky.  
  
Hoping she would hear me where ever she were.  
  
"I never thought love could struck me again. I read a proverb   
  
a while back.. It goes something like this...'If you chase love  
  
it will avoid you but if you avoid love it will follow you.'  
  
Maybe it's true...She makes me happy, Anne. I don't know how  
  
she did it. But she has broken through and made me.. feel..  
  
God...and I..."  
  
The memories from that morning came back and hit me right in  
  
the chest.  
  
"I pushed her away.. Believing I was better off...But I was wrong.  
  
I can see that now. I love her.. I don't know how it happened...  
  
I was so careful with my heart. But look what that brought me.  
  
Nothing. Absolutely nothing...She is so easy to love. She   
  
is like me in many ways...She makes me smile. She makes me...  
  
feel...And for that I love her. You would like her. I'm sure  
  
of it.."  
  
I rose.  
  
My legs felt weak.  
  
I didn't cry.  
  
I continued:  
  
"This isn't goodbye.. I will never forget you.. It's impossible to  
  
forget you.. But I have to let you go...But I'm sure we'll meet again."  
  
I stood there staring into the distance.  
  
"I will go to her now and tell her that I love her and pray that   
  
I can win her heart. I know you'll bless me.."  
  
I started to walk towards my car.  
  
"Goodbye, my love..."  
  
-------------------------------------  
  
Tamales Bay, California,  
  
Four days later.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
It felt like my heart stopped when I saw her.  
  
She was standing in a clearing in the woods near her childhood home.  
  
It took me about two days to find her.  
  
Another one to make her agree to see me.  
  
Another to go to her.  
  
Now I stood there watching her at a distance.  
  
I was never alive until her.  
  
Those words struck me and struck me hard.  
  
I stood there afraid to move.  
  
Thinking she might disappear if I closed my eyes.  
  
She moved first.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
She closed the distance between us so fast.  
  
"Grissom."  
  
It felt nice to hear her voice again.  
  
"Sara."  
  
I just stood there, with the sun warming my face, taking her in.  
  
Acting like a fool.  
  
"So talk then...You said you wanted to talk. I didn't come here.."  
  
"I wanted..."  
  
"What, Gris?"  
  
"I wanted to explain."  
  
"Explain, what? I thought you said everything."  
  
Memories from that last morning together flashed before my eyes.  
  
"I'm sorry about.."  
  
"Well, well.. I never thought I might see the mighty Gil Grissom  
  
say 'I'm sorry."  
  
"Sara.."  
  
"No, Grissom.. By all means.. continue."  
  
She stood before me.  
  
Pride glowing in her eyes.  
  
Fire.  
  
She wouldn't make this easy.  
  
"I miss you, Sara."  
  
"The team, huh. This is all about the team."  
  
"No.. I miss you."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I was wrong..."  
  
I moved closer to her.  
  
Wanted her to see everything.  
  
"Just like that.. What.."  
  
"I can't explain.. I don't know how to tell you."  
  
"Try the truth."  
  
"I'm afraid. I have always been afraid."  
  
"Everybody gets scared."  
  
"Yeah, I know. But you have to understand.. Anne.. she was my first  
  
love and.."  
  
"So? She died."  
  
"Yeah, I know.. It crushed me.."  
  
"You have already told me all of this."  
  
"Please, hear me out."  
  
"Gil.."  
  
"I loved her.. When she passed away.. it broke me totally. My heart  
  
was ripped out of my chest and I was convinced that I couldn't   
  
love again..."  
  
"So?"  
  
"I don't know how to explain what's it like to lose someone.. And  
  
know that you might have been able to prevent it."  
  
"It wasn't your fault.. You shouldn't."  
  
"I know that. I have known for years. It took a long time for me  
  
to stop grieving over her. I threw myself in work. I dedicated my  
  
life to my work. It became a part of me and I was content living  
  
like that. Then.. you came."  
  
"Grissom."  
  
She backed away from me.  
  
Fear.  
  
"No, Sara...let me...I thought my heart had died that day we laid  
  
her to rest. I have had casual flings...But I never let myself...  
  
feel.. until you."  
  
I reached for her.  
  
She avoided my hand.  
  
"No, Grissom.. I won't let you do this.. Not again."  
  
"Sara.. please.. I made a mistake...When you came to me and said those  
  
lovely word.. I wanted to feel.. I wanted to say those words back to  
  
you."  
  
"You lie."  
  
"No..."  
  
Her eyes were dark as she spoke:  
  
"After you pushed me away...God, how can I explain...All I did was  
  
to try to keep myself from dying.."  
  
"Sara.."  
  
"No, you need to hear it. I want you to hear it. I want to know   
  
what you did. What you caused...I couldn't breathe."  
  
She moved towards me.  
  
Anger filled her eyes.  
  
Rage.  
  
"I'm sorry.."  
  
"I hate that you have so much power over me. I hate that I'm so  
  
weak.. I don't want to cry over you again.. I don't want...this."  
  
Her words hit me right in the chest.  
  
Was I too late?  
  
Was this all in vain?  
  
"Sara.. please.. I.."  
  
"Why should I believe you? You have lied before."  
  
"It's the truth. I have never felt like this before...I want...You."  
  
"Don't."  
  
I moved towards her.  
  
Wanting to touch her.  
  
She moved away from me once again.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
Tears began to form in her eyes as she spoke:  
  
"I wanted you to come for me...I waited.. Thinking that you might  
  
see the error of your ways. But you never came."  
  
"Sara.."  
  
"I don't know if I can take this."  
  
"Please.. I need..."  
  
"Tell me the truth.. for once."  
  
"I don't know how I feel about you.. I feel many things: happy,  
  
scared...Lost.. found.. It's greater than me.. I have never felt   
  
something this strong. Being with you is stronger than me alone..  
  
and that scares me."  
  
"Grissom.."  
  
"No, Sara.. Let me explain.. I have been alone half my life.. and I  
  
was content with that. I love my job. It's a part of me. I lived  
  
for it. It's in my blood. But I never thought something could  
  
make me crave for something else. But it did. You happened."  
  
She moved closer to me.  
  
My heart shivered in my chest as our eyes met.  
  
"I don't.. I'm no good at this, Sara."  
  
"I know."  
  
"I don't want to be alone anymore."  
  
"Grissom.. I don't know.. if I can do this."  
  
"Please, Sara.. I can't promise you the sky."  
  
"I know that. But I'm afraid. What if you wake one day and decide  
  
that you and I.. are wrong? You would leave.. and I dead."  
  
"No, I could never do that."  
  
"How can I be sure?"  
  
"You have to trust me."  
  
"I don't know if I can."  
  
"All I can say.. is that I love you."  
  
Those words seemed so hollow.  
  
So used up.  
  
The meant absolutely nothing these days.  
  
But I didn't know how to express the way I felt about her.  
  
Those words seemed so small.  
  
I wish I could find words for that feeling that was inside.  
  
All I could do was hope that she might see the truth in me.  
  
"Grissom..."  
  
I reached out my hand, hoping she wouldn't run this time.  
  
"Sara...I can't explain. My words seem so small. All I know is  
  
that I can't let you go.. Not this time. Not ever."  
  
"I'm afraid."  
  
"Of what?"  
  
I moved closer to her.  
  
She didn't back away from me this time.  
  
"Of you.. You have so much power over me and I'm afraid that I will  
  
lose myself in you."  
  
"I would not let you.."  
  
"I...don't know.."  
  
She was standing so close now that I almost could pick up the small  
  
scent of her.  
  
"All I'm asking is another chance.."  
  
"I can't take another heartache. My heart is not strong.. I couldn't  
  
bare you leaving.."  
  
"I would never leave you."  
  
"Promise."  
  
"I promise."  
  
My hands trembled as I reached out my hand and touched her cheek.  
  
Her skin was warm from the sun.  
  
Soft.  
  
Smooth.  
  
Her eyes met mine.  
  
I wanted to drown in her.  
  
Fall into her and let her catch for me.  
  
I wanted to seek shelter in her arms.  
  
"Sara.. please.. let me love you.."  
  
"Gil...I..."  
  
Then I kissed her.  
  
I wanted to prove to her I could feel.  
  
That everything wasn't a lie.  
  
I wanted to show her everything that I had held back during  
  
the years.  
  
I wanted to give myself totally.  
  
It was meant to be brief.  
  
Just a little taste.  
  
But as soon as our lips met all sanity were lost.  
  
She tasted like coffee and ice-cream all wrapped in one.  
  
Heaven and hell.  
  
With a sigh she surrendered.  
  
I wanted to drown in her.  
  
The sensation of being alive.  
  
Feeling everything at once.  
  
I finally pulled away from her.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
She smiled.  
  
The sun graced us with its presence as I took her hand in mine.  
  
My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke:  
  
"I will give you my heart..."  
  
She moved closer to me.  
  
She took my hand and placed it over her heart.  
  
Her voice was barely a whisper as she spoke.  
  
"And you have mine."  
  
I don't know what the future has in store for us.  
  
But as I stood there with the sun warming my face I knew one thing.  
  
I will not fear the future.  
  
I will not fear love.  
  
Never again.  
  
I will hold on.  
  
For once.  
  
And I will love her.  
  
Forever  
  
---------------------------------  
  
Feedback---j_rothen@yahoo.se 


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